LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.