My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”