Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.