Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Those are good neighbors.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics