High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
North and South
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.