#ProTip
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”