Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?