I put the mess in domestic.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.