The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*