I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.