Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
You Might Also Like
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
This is a sub tweet
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
no regrets
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
The news is so predictable nowadays
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle