Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.