A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
(Jupiter –
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?