Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
You Might Also Like
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
wow he looks just like him
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Awwwww shit.
Twitter remains undefeated
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)