FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”