[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Body by Oreos
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
you’re so productive for your wage
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second