My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM