WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Growing up was a huge mistake
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*