me doing my best
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me and who
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.