I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long