Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
WHY?!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.