[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
How did we not see this back then?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in