Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Krampus.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Usage Guidelines
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza