You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
You Might Also Like
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.