My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I’m already scared
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.