Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.