[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water