Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Heroic Misunderstanding
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.