WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”