me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!