Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
the dark web is just a goth google.