what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.