Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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“What movie?” 🤔
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
s
oc
i
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”