If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist