Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.