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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.