“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.