me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed