My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion