Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
🤣🤣💀
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
rapatouille
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.