To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
🏙👨🏼
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.