*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit