Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You Might Also Like
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Hey i am sexy to you now
There’s always that one guy
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
🤭😂