There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
This pepper has seen some shit
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
🤣🤣🤣
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos