My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
kitchen magnet
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.