*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
sigh
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.