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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…