You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.