My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Every time my phone rings
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts