Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Haha! 😂
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.